10 inventions for parents

guiltymotherhelenReal parentingLeave a Comment

This morning as I stepped into the shower I learnt that bath crayons do not come out of white grout. They also don’t really come off the bottom of the bath if left overnight in the residue of bath water. This clearly isn’t ideal.

I also had to negotiate a teapot half full of freezing cold water and a slightly aggressive looking (on account of being squashed) plastic duck. It got me thinking of what problems definitely would have been solved by now should parents rule the world:

  1. The car divider. Some sort of device (think like in a limousine) that separates the back (with the drone of kids music and incessant snack requests) from the quiet serene front. Where you can then have a conversation, maybe listen to the radio like the old days, concentrate on your driving. It could be removable, for those days where we feel like ticking the positive parenting box and having a chat but also quick to replace, we all know a good journey can turn bad within a verse of ‘wheels on the bus’.
  2. A nappy that doesn’t leak. Surely this is not much to ask. Those frilly bits along the side are clearly ineffective. Do the manufacturers not do some sort of scientific test (like pouring liquid poo into said nappy and watching how it laughs in the face of a frill)? Obviously not or they would then spend the next half hour clearing up said experiment. Much like parents everywhere on a daily basis.
  3. The snack holder that is really hard, but not completely impossible, to get into. You see I enjoy a raisin box for this reason. My 18 month old takes ages to get her little fingers to the bottom thereby buying me extra time in a shopping queue or the like. When there is a snack involved they would surely be twice as persistent to problem solve, so essentially this is win win. It’s a development opportunity, feeding mechanism and time producer. Can someone definitely make this one?2E86987800000578-3321877-image-m-12_1447759299554
  4. The gloves that don’t come off. I realise you can get clips to hold onto the jacket sleeve. I know you can go all old school and use wool. I tried this though and seemed to get the lengths all wrong. What I essentially did was create a constant and dangerous trip hazard. And losing them is only half the battle, my youngest won’t keep them on even when her fingers are turning blue. I’m thinking some sort of tie on mechanism that doesn’t quite cut off the circulation but is heading in this direction. Yeah this one needs some work.
  5. The Lego slipper. I can’t take credit for this of course – it was all over Facebook. Good idea, we’ve all been there, we all need them. I would also add in a play duh / porridge mule. Or is only me that finds this all over the floor?
  6. The school drop off drive-through. On a sunny day a walk to school and back can be a delight. On a rainy day it amounts to Armageddon. What with umbrellas poking eyes, a toddler refusing to be carried, hoods falling down, rain covers failing to stay put. I’m thinking some sort of tunnel where you literally just pull up, open the doors and push them, sorry guide them through.
  7. On the subject of drive-throughs, how about one especially for parents? One that provides milk and bread late at night. One that provides really good strong coffee but also, at the right time of day, a ready-mixed gin cocktail (to be taken home of course). One that can pass you a healthy packed lunch at a minutes notice, a snack for when you’ve forgotten to take anything with you and a bar of chocolate OR super food energy smoothie to help you through the day. I would be willing to pay a premium for this service.
  8. The babysitter who arrives circa 6am and does the early shift. You can keep your wild nights out in town what I really crave are the papers in bed wi4581d32bbf52680193a3e952b8eb97c6th my other half. We so rarely wake up together nowadays, this would be amazing. And if said babysitter could pop up with a coffee and then leave the house so I don’t have to hear the carnage, well that would be nothing short of wonderful.

9. The next generation Gro clock. Despite having issues with our Gro clock (coming through to inform us that, “there is only one star left” for example) on the whole I think it is an amazing invention and we wouldn’t be without it. What I’m looking for (Gro owners) is the next level. Something that recognises movement and sends out a warning when they dare to step out of bed, “Woah there, back in bed, there are two stars left, I repeat there are two stars left”. Or maybe a slight electric shock (joking…kind of).

10. More stuff to entertain kids in cafes! Seriously café owners, take note. The longer our kids are happy the more coffee and cake we will buy. And we can drink some serious coffee. Crayons and paper are a good start but how about a few books, a bag of dinosaurs, a mini Etcha-Sketch. How about an ipad that comes out from under the table at any sign of a tantrum? Actually, how about some free child care for half an hour while I get some peace?

Feel free to take any of these ideas and make them happen. You’re welcome!

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